#ETC12

I was so excited to attend the "Empowered to Connect" conference last weekend, sponsored by Show Hope and featuring Dr. Karyn Purvis. Amazing, amazing stuff! I want to "unpack" so many of these thoughts in future posts, but for now, here is what I "live tweeted" as I sat and tried to "drink from the fire hydrant" for two days!

• Some parents are trying so hard to save our kids, we're drowning ourselves.
• Recreate the developmental environment/process they missed.
• Give teenagers the same thing you would give a newborn...it just looks different.
• Are any of us adopting/fostering a child that came from a "warm & fuzzy" beginning? (Uh. No.)
• 12+ years old, "diagnosis du jour"= bipolar disorder
• There are answers. Great answers. And it doesn't take a PHD to know them. -Dr. Karyn Purvis
• The essence of connection is "I hear your voice, I feel your need, and when it's in my power I will say yes." Dr. Karyn Purvis
• Nothing we do with our kids will matter if we don't FEEL where they have come from.
• Don't ask him what he did wrong. Ask what he needs
• Honored to be in a room with hundreds of parents who are on the front lines.
• Next session: Understanding a Child's History &Its Impacts" Oh, my child's history absolutely breaks my heart. But I am willing to go there.
• Capacity of the brain is based on early nurture.
• You CAN redo infancy with older kids with respect.
• Don't ever give up on your child. There's a "real boy or girl" in there. God's got a plan for them. Jer29:11 (words from an adoptee)
• I can relate!! I am on the "journey of the wounded healer." God can heal and restore parents AND children.
• It's not an easy journey. But it's a grace journey.
• When we keep them close, the stories come out, healing occurs.
• "When going back makes sense, you are going ahead." -W. Berry (I've got to deal with MY stuff.)
• I have to ask myself "WHY does this bother me so much??" when my buttons get pushed.
• Am I letting my past be an unwelcome guest in my parenting moments? Quit letting it intrude. Go back and make sense of it.
• If I don't guide and lead the way in attachment, I'm putting a lot on a wounded child's shoulders.
• There is no healing without "being with." Being THERE is not being WITH.
• It's a rectangle conspiracy!! Rectangles are getting between the members of our families: iPods, TV's, phones, iPads...
• My goal as a parent: "And they lived faithfully ever after."
• "I didn't like who I had become." I SO appreciate Terri's transparency. Authenticity is KEY.
• My life is a big puzzle, and God gives me pieces at different times. -Terri Coley
• Teaching self-regulation using Nerf guns? My guys will totally go for this.
• LOVING seeing all of the grandparents who are here. I want to be that Nana someday!
• Hear it...live it...hear it...live it. Yes, that's me! I need spaced repetition of all this stuff! There is grace.
• What will I DO with what I know? Jesus, help me implement what You're telling me.
• James 1:27 calls us to enter into their lives. What a privilege!
• Grieve the ideal child in your mind, and love the amazing child right in front of you.
• A huge part of being a lifelong learner is UNlearning. My child is unique! Some of what I've been taught does not apply to him.
• I always want to buy everything on the conference tables at these things. But my kids need food. Sigh.
• If you adopt a child from an orphanage, you've got a survivor.
• My authority is enhanced, not undermined, by sharing power with my child. When I share power I show it is mine to share
• Our kids have come to us with a boatload of broken promises and a broken heart that goes with it.
• Don't expect them to give you words twice if they figure out you're not listening.
• I don't need an elephant gun for every infraction! Try not to break stride.
• Up the levels of structure and nurture if the child is out of control. What if *I* feel out of control? Same approach, I am thinking.
• Answering yes=nurture, no=structure Do we need both? Absolutely!
• When does my God *ever* leave me alone to "cry it out" so I can "self soothe?" Never. Some parenting books get it WRONG.
• FIRST "What do you need?" NOT "What did you do?" Misbehavior is goal-driven.
• You may be prepared for a child from a hard place, but is your church's childcare? Churches need to be in it for the long haul.
• "It's really hard work to bring a child the rest of the way home." Dr. Karyn Purvis
• "It's ok to make a mistake. Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue."- Dr. Karyn Purvis.

"Don't Blink." [I didn't.]

In just a few short days, my sweet girl will be leaving for college. College. How did this happen so soon? I have often heard it said, "Don't blink! It goes by quickly!" Well, I'm here to say... I didn't. I never blinked once. I practically propped my eyes open with toothpicks! And... it still went by fast!

Her senior year went by in a flurry of activity, as I knew it would. Everything, and I mean everything, was SO fun! I soaked up all the details right along with her! Senior activities, last season of basketball, dances, prom, senior trip... what a blessing it has all been.

So, why am I writing this post? Well, first of all because I haven't blogged in ages. Second of all, to mark this season of change, and thirdly, for a brain dump. I got up this morning, preparing to "take on the day," readying the house for a family party for my mom's birthday today, going about my morning routine and then I remembered a dream I had last night. In my dream I was outside, sitting in a type of courtyard, and thinking about her leaving. I dreamed I just began to sob, and sob, and sob. I thought to myself, "Huh. I haven't done this yet. This feels pretty great! I have needed to do this." And then, just as quickly, I told myself, "You DON'T have time for this. What if someone sees you? You're making a spectacle of yourself. Cry later." And I stopped. I know it must have been a dream because in "real life" I can't just stop. And then I look horrible and have a headache for hours. In my dream I simply stopped, got up, and went on with it. Interesting.

Anyway, I wouldn't change a thing. Not one thing! She is going to the college of her choice, which is HUGE. Having homeschooled her since Kindergarten, I must say that's been one of my biggest prayers for her, that she would get into the college of her choice. She's planning to major in Nursing. She has registered for some amazing classes, gotten into a beautiful dorm, for which she has the cutest dorm decor ever and an amazing roommate. She just got a fabulous "new-to-her" car and is beyond excited about the season ahead. Most importantly, she has been listening to the podcasts from the college ministry at a church in her college town, and is ready to plug in to the ministry there. She actually met some of the students at the Passion Conference this year. Isn't God amazing? He has provided ALL these things. To HIM be the glory!

In the meantime, I will be back home, being a "boy mom." One with a driver's permit, and one who is playing tackle football. Lots of testosterone at my house! Lots of opportunities to be on my knees in prayer!

I'm still not blinking! Well, except for blinking back tears...

Calm in the Chaos

Minte and I watched a movie together... his long frame stretched out across the end of my bed, me leaning against the headboard with my legs tucked up under me, a cup of tea and my iPad on my lap. I watch things that stress me out now: war movies, "I-shouldn't-be-alive" documentaries, people catching wild hogs, fishing for Alaskan crab, or designing guns. Things my teen and pre-teen boys find interesting. I watch through my fingers or with one eye on a book about something more civilized... but I want to be with them. And watching their "stuff" with them gives us something to talk about and gives me a link into their world. I learned a long time ago that loving people is making what's important to them important to you. Which, in the case of pre-teen and teenaged boys involves things that shoot things, or save people, or explode.

This weekend it was an edited-for-television version of the movie, "The Guardian," about the US Coast Guard. I usually only watch movies where the pretty girl meets the pretty boy and they fall in love in a pretty story and live happily ever after... usually in Italy. This isn't that kind of movie. But I also realize that it came out in 2006, and this is 2011. So chances are you've seen it, and either from that or the movie poster at the left, you know that.

My first thought in this movie was WOW. I had no idea, really, what the Coast Guard involved. I realize this is as real a picture of the USCG as "Top Gun" was of the US Navy, but still. Wow. I have never really given thought to what the Coast Guard is required to do. So, thank you US Coast Guard! I never go in the ocean, and never on a small boat, but if I ever do I'll be so thankful for the USCG if I or anyone I love is ever in need of them. And I'll be thankful if they fish me out and I find myself looking into the face of someone who looks like Kevin Costner or Ashton Kutcher. But, [ahem] that's not the point of this post.

What inspired me to finally bust back onto my blog and post about a 5 year old non-pretty movie was a quote by Kevin Costner's character, Ben Randall, who is a seasoned Senior-something (I don't know my ranks) in the USCG, instructing Ashton Kutcher's character, Jake Fischer at the "A" School for new CG recruits. He tells him:

"The difference between you and the victim is the attitude with which you enter the water. You have to remain calm in the chaos."

And it hit me. That's what parenting teenagers is. That's what parenting a child who comes from hard places (like an adopted child) is.

As parents, we are the Coast Guard. We are helping our kids navigate and survive some difficult waters. Sometimes they get themselves into some choppy situations, or as in the case of some boaters, they are doing what is perfectly appropriate but storms just come upon them. We are the USCG, who flies in, enters their situation with them, gets in the water with them, swims with them... but with a different attitude. One of expertise, one of calm, one who sees the big picture. One with training, who's "been there done that."

What would happen if the Coast Guard swimmer jumped in and started freaking out along with the victim? Started flapping around grabbing at the victim, pulling him under, panicking? Then there would be more casualties. In fact, there is one scene where a husband and wife are drowning and the husband pushes his wife under to get to the basket first, to save himself. Can you imagine being in such a state that you would drown someone you love?

Unfortunately, I am prone to "flapping." I readily admit this! That's why this line in the movie stuck out to me this weekend. I must enter their lives as a calm influence amid the "chaos" of coming from a hard place to a new life across the sea (like my youngest), the teenage years (like my middle son), of graduating and launching into the world of college (like my daughter), ready to swim alongside them or offer them a line up if necessary. Not to flap around and panic about the waves. I have been trained for this. I have! I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father, who tells me all the things I need to know, I have the Holy Spirit living in me, ready to instruct me at any moment (and Whose fruit is self control), I need not panic, either inwardly or outwardly. I am the Coast Guard. I need to jump in, give a "thumbs up" and do what they need me to do.

"Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm."

Matthew 8:26

No Parking

I did it again last night. I went to bed feeling incredibly guilty about how I had handled a situation with one of my children. I totally blew it. Again. The guilt was palpable, my chest actually felt heavy.

Oh, I had apologized (and so had my child... for we both had a part in it). All was forgiven. The truth is, I'm not perfect. I blow it, usually more than once a day! Not only do I need to ask my child's forgiveness, but God's as well. He freely gives it, as well as the grace to do better next time. And there seems to always be a next time!

In his book Sacred Parenting, Gary Thomas says:

"What is better for the kingdom of God: That my son and daughters would say, "I can never serve God like Dad did" or "If God can use my dad, he can use me"? There is no question- the latter statement is the reality that most serves God's purposes long term. It is my job as my children's parent to model my own need for God's mercy and to demonstrate how God can use even sinful people to accomplish his aims."

"In this sense, we shouldn't look at guilt as a parking lot but as a car wash. When guilt feelings keep us self-absorbed, destroy our motivation, and make us discouraged, guilt has become a parking lot- not a good thing. But when guilt reminds us that we are insufficient, and when this insufficiency points us to God- his forgiveness, his empowering Spirit, and his provision of grace- then guilt becomes a spiritual car wash. You don't camp out in a car wash; you just go there to get clean! You drive through the car wash and come out on the other side with a completely new outlook. That's one of the healthy roles that guilt can play for parents: pointing us and our children to God."

Lord, thank you for the gift of this child. Most of all, thank you for the incredible gift of Your Child, who came to earth to pay for my sins and my child's sins. Thank you for the gift of guilt, which points me to You. Please help me not to self-centeredly stay in the guilt, but to come to You who will wash me "whiter than snow." Thank You for teaching me about Your grace, mercy, and sufficiency as I parent my children. Help me and my children to experience those in abundance, daily. Amen.

Originally posted February 21, 2008. But I needed these words again. I was parking in a car wash.

A Real Time-Saver

Note: I posted this over the weekend, but it quickly got buried underneath other posts and my weekly menu. I'm moving it up in case you haven't seen it. It's too cute to miss!

If all of us moms could just memorize this song, it would really streamline our day! This is Anita Renfroe in a clip, found here on her website from her DVD "Total Momsense." It's everything a mom says in 24 hours condensed in 2 minutes and 55 seconds. The first part is cut off for some reason, but I'm sure we've all said it... whatever it is!

Enjoy!

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

I know this poem has been around the internet for awhile, but it came to mind this morning:

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

"When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good night and I felt loved and safe.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but its all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say,

"Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

~Author Unknown~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my own parents:

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw the light on in the kitchen in the wee hours of the morning as you studied your BSF lessons,
and I learned that God's Word is worth getting up for.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you preparing delicious meals for our family,
and I learned that time around the table is important.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make room in our home one night for a woman and her baby whom you met, stranded at the airport,
and I saw how warm hospitality blesses people.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you financially supported the work of missionaries all around the world,
and I learned that it is a privilege to do our part to help gather God's family.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw both of you kneeling by your bed, praying. I heard you pray for my future spouse. I am blessed by the answer to that prayer every single day.

When you thought I wasn't listening (as an eye-rolling teenager) you taught me how to read through the Psalms and Proverbs each month, a practice I still follow to this day. It's what I was doing this morning when God brought to mind so much that you modeled for me when you thought I wasn't looking.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for always pointing me to God's Word.

~Author: your grateful daughter~

Living Out Parables

This morning my children are over a friend's house while my daughter babysits the younger ones and my son "hangs out" with the older sons. (They are NOT being "babysat," thank-you-very-much!) They got up extra early to get some school done, and have some to finish in a bit when they get home, but I've had a rare "Monday morning break" to run to the grocery store and get some work done around the house.

While I was working in the kitchen, I decided to catch up on listening to some of my podcasts that I've missed in the last week or so, and I happened upon Nancy Leigh DeMoss's Feb. 22 "Revive our Hearts" broadcast. She has been going verse-by-verse through Proverbs 31 in a series called "The Counter-Cultural Woman" and it is just blessing my socks off! I just wanted to share this with you, as we work in our kitchens and read each other's menu plans, beginning our week of seemingly "mundane tasks.":

"As we look at these verses and continue through this passage, I want you to see that in everyday, practical ways, the excellent wife-the virtuous wife, the excellent mother-is giving her family a picture of Christ and of spiritual realities. You say, "Food preparation is showing my family something about Christ and about spiritual realities?" You bet it is.

"You're living out parables. You're demonstrating parables of spiritual life to your children as you work with your hands, as you serve in your home. When you prepare food for your family, you're demonstrating to them that God is a faithful provider. When you're being quality conscious in the things that you purchase, you're showing your children the excellence of the character of God."

"When you're being orderly, when you get your home put back together after it pulled apart . . . Now, I'm not talking about fanatical. I'm just talking about learning to have a place for things and things getting put back in their place. As you are orderly, you are teaching your children that God is a God of order."

"When you clean things up in your home, when you keep a clean home, you're showing your children the importance of purity, holiness of heart, of being clean and washed before God.
When you're disciplined in your life and habits and schedule and the time you get up and the time you go to bed according to the way that God has directed your family, when you're disciplined, you're teaching your children that the Christian life requires discipline. You are teaching them that you can't just stay in bed and become spiritual. It requires effort and cooperation with God's Spirit to develop godly habits, patterns, and sanctification in our lives.
When you reach out your hands—as we'll see that this virtuous woman does—to the poor and the needy and you're ministering to the needs of others, you're showing your children the heart of God for those who are poor and needy and oppressed."

"Get a vision for your work in your home. Remember as you're cleaning-as you're ironing, as you're sewing, as you're picking up, as you're painting, as you're beautifying your home, as you're doing things to make your home attractive, remember that you're painting a picture for your children-a picture of God. You're demonstrating to your children in ways that penetrate deep into their hearts, the heart of God, the ways of God, and you're increasing the likelihood that your children will grow up to love that God and to want to be like Him."

Isn't this a wonderful reminder? Hearing this today has blown a fresh spring-like breeze into my otherwise "mundane Monday." To read the entire transcript, or read/listen to some of the others in the series, you can go here.

Let's keep living out those parables!

He Likes You

"He likes you."

"Shut. UP! He does???"

"Yes! Kevin told Mark, who told Brandon. He told Ashley and she told Brittany while I was at my locker and I overheard. Can you believe it? You're SO lucky!"

Remember finding out "he likes you?" Either it was someone you had had a crush on, and finally his attentions turned to you, or you had never given him the time of day until you found out he noticed you, and well, that changed everything! "He likes me." :::sigh:::

Oh, how I'm glad days are (long) behind me. I have a cute guy who comes home to me every single day, grabs me up and plants a big one on me and tells me "he likes me" in a million little ways by his actions and words. I wish the "me" from 7th grade could've seen the "me" now, married to such a cute boy. Maybe I wouldn't have spent so much time in middle school and high school worrying about it. Or would I have?

I say 7th grade, because I've been in 7th grade all year. It seems I am in whatever grade my daughter is in. Not just because I homeschool her, which means I am very much entrenched in pre-algebra, life science and Texas history. But because I am reliving the emotions and feelings of whatever age she is, which right now is 13. Some days I relive them with the knowledge and perspective of an almost-40-year-old, and some days I don't. Some days I am that little insecure girl I was back in 1980. Oh, my word. (Do most moms do this? Or do we have some sort of codependent Gilmore Girls thing going on?)

So, the mother part of me has been counseling not only my own daughter, but the 7th grade part of myself as well. In the evenings, the three of us (me, my daughter, and the 7th grade me) curl up on the bed and read together. And we all learn something. This week we've been reading Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy. I read this book a couple of years ago, and at the time I thought I'd wait to read this book with her in high school. But, as I've found out, the world does not "wait" to send its message to little girls. The messages about what is "pretty" and about "boy/girl" stuff are coming through loud and clear, and it's time for some words to the contrary.

Here's a chapter summary:

"Found within the antiquated folds of girlish fairy tales is the secret key to unlocking feminity. From Snow White to the Little Mermaid there is found this sublime theme: Behind every storybook princess is a noble and gallant prince. But far beyond winsome tales of fictional romance, there exists a breathtaking reality- the noble Hero of our long-lost girlish dreams is real! His name is Jesus. This Prince is not just your average Joe with baggy shorts and a patchy goatee-- He is a man unlike all others, with a kiss of life on His lips and a castle far way. With a twinkle in His eyes, He calls us to "come away" with Him and become His princess. He asks us to give up everything to be His girl. And the secret to unlocking the magnificent dimensions of our femininity, much like our fairy-tale princess counterparts, is found in our response: to give up everything we possess to follow our gallant Knight.

"Our Prince is eager to begin a heavenly love story with us. He desires to spring from the pages of Scripture and dance with us in our real day-to-day life. He gave His very life on a cross for this opportunity to share life intimately at our side. The defining question of our femininity is this: Will we be willing to give our very life to Him in return? He eagerly awaits our reply."

We are discussing what it means to be a "set apart young woman." The book not only deals with countering the message our girls get from our culture, but practical ways to draw closer to Jesus as a young woman. Oh, how I wish I'd have read this book when I was a teenager (of course, this particular author was probably in preschool at the time...) A book like this could've been just the Teflon-coating my soul needed during those confusing years. It is a very candid book, startlingly so at times. (I've changed a few of the words as I read!) But, as I've found out the hard way, our girls can hear things from Christian friends at sleepovers (and :::gasp::: even homeschool co-ops) so I'd rather her hear them from me, wrapped in the context of the truth.

And the truth (both for her and for the 7th grade me) this Valentine's Day, is this: it's not about a boy. It's not about an earthly romance at all. It's about our true Prince, and our relationship with Him. It's about building your life around Him, preparing the sanctuary of your heart for Him, craving time with Him...

"He likes you."

Seeds of Character

"Sow a thought, reap an act.
Sow an act, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny."

George Dana Boardman, The Younger

American Clergyman (1828-1903)

Yesterday we were working around the house (Yey! I finally felt like working! I have never been happier to scrub a bathtub in all my life...) My best-house-painter-in-the-west husband, Luke, was scaling the 20 ft. heights of our family room painting and our son, his faithful sidekick, was helping him. I was on the other side of the bar/sink area working in the kitchen. Every request that Luke made of Kyle was met with a cheerful "Yes, sir" as Kyle diligently and obediently did whatever his Dad needed him to do: take off the plates around the electrical sockets, bring him supplies, reload his paint roller and hand it up to him. Finally, I said from the other side of the counter, "Kyle, you are working so hard. I really love how hard you are working to help your Dad." "Thanks," he replied from down below. A few moments later I said, "You know, it really honors God for you to work so hard." There was a long pause while he kept rolling paint onto the wall. Finally he asked, "It does?" "Certainly," my husband added, and began explaining to him how it glorifies God to work hard.

As I was scrubbing and listening to a father sweetly teaching his son, I realized that Kyle had been pleasantly surprised to learn that his behavior was honoring and glorifying God. I realized that perhaps all along he thought he was simply pleasing his parents. I really want him to know it's bigger than that; he is pleasing His Heavenly Father. I want to start looking for other ways to let my children know that their goal is not just to honor and please me, but to look at how they can honor God. I want them to know the life-long, abiding peace and joy that comes from a life filled with daily, minute-by-minute choices that honor the God Who made them, saved them, and loves them so dearly.

Something so simple yesterday, but hopefully a seed was sown.