Submission: The Wife's Joy

I didn't post on last week's chapter entitled "Intimacy: The Wife's Response." There were several reasons for this. One was, I ran out of time last week to write a coherent post on the subject. Another reason was that I didn't feel completely comfortable writing a post on the subject of s*ex on this blog where my mom, grandmother, daughter, her friends, and my husband's coworkers would read it. ;) But, for an excellent treatment of that chapter, read Leslie's synopsis, her thoughts, as well as some links to some other well-written posts on the topic here.

So now this week we tackle the other "s" word! Submission. Equally as off-limits in some circles, and a subject that I know many women don't want to discuss. (I'm sure a movie titled "Submission and the City" would not sell as many tickets as the current movie is selling, LOL.) I have already written some of my general thoughts on the topic of submission here, so I won't give any other background in this post. But in case you don't have time to click over and read what I already wrote, I'll summarize in one sentence: You cannot and will never be completely in God's will and plan as long as you remain outside of His protective authority by submitting to your husband. There. I said it. As Seinfeld would say, "That's a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there."

And it is! But I believe it's true. Thankfully we have authors like Martha Peace who not only write about this truth, but expound on just exactly how to do this. But we'll have to wait for the next section of the book to get to the "how." In this week's chapter titled "Submission: The Wife's Joy" she mainly talks about the "why." The overarching "why" is because that's the way God (a God of order) has chosen to maintain order in His creation. And there is JOY in following God's plan. It's that simple! (For a complete synopsis of this chapter, and a listing of Martha Peace's main points I encourage you to read Leslie's post here, or even better, pick up a copy of the book, The Excellent Wife and join in!)

This week, particularly today, I have been struggling with back pain. I am not completely immobile, as I have been in the past when my back "goes out," but I'm close! I've been having this problem for over ten years. What I found out when I first experienced this excruciating pain was that something was "out of alignment." The doctor discovered that I have one leg that is slightly shorter than the other. It was amazing to me that something so slight could cause me to be completely immobilized by pain! In fact, this morning it hurt so badly I could not even lift the carton of milk out of the refrigerator. I didn't share this so that I would garner your sympathy (though I could use your prayers as my son and I are leading VBS group this week and I can hardly walk!) but rather because it is a very vivid example to me of what happens when our lives are "out of alignment" by our coming up short in a very important area of our walk... submission to our husbands. I can be obedient in every other area of life, endeavoring to be a "doer" and not merely a "hearer" of the Word on every point but if I don't follow God's plan and be "subject to" my husband "as to the Lord... in everything" as Paul says in Ephesians 5:22-24, I will not walk in fullness of joy. Something will be missing, and I will know it. By God's grace, that "something missing" will be joy. It's His grace not to allow complete joy in a believer's life when one is not following His plan, otherwise you might not be prompted to make the necessary changes in your life.

In subsequent chapters, Peace will outline the "how-to's" and "what-if's" associated with submitting to our husbands. I look forward to that discussion. But for today, let's consider the fact that it is simply God's command for wives. According to 1 John 5:3 His commands "are not burdensome." This command seems particularly burdensome for many women, including me for many years. And that need not be. In fact, I have found it valuable in my own life in recent years to take time to examine why certain commands feel particularly "burdensome" for me. (For an excellent treatment of 1 John 5:3 as it relates to marriage and other relationships, read John Piper's sermon here.)

I encourage all of us to long to experience the true joy that comes from a life yielded to God's plan.

For some great reading on this chapter and links to others who have posted on it, visit Leslie at Light Came.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

During my weeks-long "blog fog," I have neglected to post my thoughts on the chapters in Martha Peace's book, The Excellent Wife, the current book in Leslie's Lux Venit Reading Group. The past few chapters have been SO good, as have the posts of the other participants in the book discussion. I would encourage you to go to Leslie's blog and read some of the posts on previous chapters. Better yet, if you have not read the book I encourage you to read it. So, so helpful!

As my title indicates, this week's chapter deals with the subject of respecting your husband. I love the chapter title, "Respect: A Wife's Reverence."

Recently my daughter was reading a book (I don't recall the title), sort of a "what-you-should-know-about-guys" book (of the appropriate variety-I assure you!) She told me that one of the things she thought was interesting was a poll among young men in which the majority of young men surveyed said they would rather be respected by a girl than loved by a girl. I don't know exactly what all of the implications of that are, or what point the book made about it, but that shows me that a man's need to be respected starts young. It is vital.

It is so vital, that by the time that young man grows up and has a wife, his wife is actually commanded to respect him. Ephesians 5:33 says,

"...let the wife see to it that she respect her husband."

Peace gives 5 biblical principles regarding this:
1. The wife is to respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33
2. The wife is to respect his position. 1 Corinthians 11:3
3. The wife is to act in a respectful manner. Proverbs 31:23
4. The wife is to reprove her husband respectfully. Colossians 4:6
5. The wife who is disrespectful may experience severe consequences. Galatians 6:1

As I read over the above list, I realize that it sounds a bit textbooky, or even perhaps rigid or unpleasant. I hate to admit it, but there was a time early in my married life that if I had read a list like that I would have said "No WAY am I reading THAT book!" I am so thankful that by God's grace, His Biblical guidelines for my life and marriage no longer read in a distasteful way to me. I can see how His plan and His design are for my good and His glory. And I have seen the fruit of this in my own marriage.

As I read this chapter and saw how she expanded on the above five points, I was reminded again how blessed I truly am to be married to my precious husband. If you are reading this and you know my husband, you can probably imagine how easy it is for me to respect him. He is a very "respect-worthy" man. In fact, I would say that probably everyone who knows him respects him. But not everyone who knows him is commanded to respect him, as I am. And not everyone who knows and respects him has blown it in this area as much as I have! In fact, I'd feel better about how often I've blown it if he were a little more of a jerk.

Martha Peace doesn't mince words. That's why I like her. She says, "Respecting your husband is not an option for you if you want to be in God's will." Just how far out of God's will do you want to be? I know I don't want to be one millimeter out of it! So, what if, for the sake of argument, he *is* a jerk and not worthy of respect? She correctly reminds us that "The respect is to the position, not necessarily to the personality. It will also help you to remember that you yourself did not have even one favorable attribute or talent that God did not give you."

Since I've been typing this entire post with Aretha Franklin's song going through my head, I thought I would "spell out" some of Peace's points from this chapter. You can hum if you want to. :)

R- Respect is not an option if you want to be in God's will.
E- Edifying words, spoken kindly and in a gentle tone of voice, are a righteous way to show respect and love to your husband if he has sinned or failed in some area.
S- "Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness." (Proverbs 16:21)
P- Positionally he is in a place of respect. (1 Cor. 11:3)
E- Emotions need never cause you to sin... God will never "allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able..." (1 Cor. 10:13)
C- Children are told to honor their fathers... if you are disrespectful to your husband, your children will likely acquire the same attitude and you could cause them to stumble in this area.
T-Treating your husband with respect is not something that your husband must first earn, it is something that you choose to show him.

For an excellent chapter summary and more thoughts from other reading group members, visit Leslie at Light Came.

God's Provision for Sin

Another excellent week of discussion over at Lux Venit for chapter 3 of The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. Due to an out-of-town trip at the end of this week, I didn't have my post ready yesterday but I'm not going to let that stop me from chiming in on this chapter and encouraging you to share your thoughts as well!

I won't do a recap of the chapter as, again, Leslie does a superb job of that. I hope if you're reading this you've either just come from there or are headed there... her thoughts, and the other posters she links, are excellent and so insightful. I have found it so helpful to read others' perspectives on this book.

This week's chapter was titled, "A Wife's Understanding of Sin." Whoa. That's a biggie, and I'm so glad she goes there early in the book. Earlier this week I saw a t-shirt at WalMart that said, "I Feel A Sin Coming On." I sort of "tsk-tsk'ed" it when I walked by, but as I shopped I realized I could wear a shirt like that! We all could! But for those in Christ, we are free not to commit that sin. I am not a slave to it anymore. And, it just occurred to me that "feeling a sin coming on" is actually a gift of His grace, because then we can take the "way of escape" that He has promised. That is true freedom, indeed!

One of the most valuable tools I have gained from reading Peace's books is the "Put Off"- "Put On" dynamic, based in Ephesians 4:22-24:

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

I first saw this concept introduced in her book, Attitudes of a Transformed Heart. The concept, as she explains it, is that "we are to put off wrong thoughts with God's help by putting on righteous thoughts." She rightly points out that "wrong, sinful thoughts do not descend upon us out of the blue. They begin with our sinful heart." (see Matthew 15:16-20) In this chapter of The Excellent Wife, she provides a wonderful chart of wrong, sinful thoughts which are common among many wives, and right, Godly thoughts that can replace them. So, so helpful.

I think for many years I repented of my wrong thoughts, but only halfway. I thought I was genuinely sorry and fully confessed it to God. But, as she points out, "the repentance process is not complete until you replace it [the wrong thought] with a godly, righteous thought. Then you will have "put off" a self honoring thought and will have "out on" a God-honoring thought."

As this relates to my marriage, I have seen over and over how issues that have effected our relationship have come right down to my own wrong, sinful thinking. As you might imagine, that came as a complete shock to me! I thought he had the problem, of course! The longer I walk with the Lord, though, the more I see my own sin, and my own need for His grace. I am increasingly grateful for Christ's atoning work for me on the cross. I am more and more in awe of the 1 John 1:9 forgiveness that He offers me each day. That's one of the reasons why I chose the verse I did for the top of my blog. His mercies are new every morning. And He created the world as He did so that it's morning somewhere all day long! His forgiveness and mercy are available moment by moment.

One quote I love from this chapter is, "Christians have to be "...transformed by the renewing of their minds" (Romans 12:2) As we work at it, the Holy Spirit supernaturally enables us. Eventually the godly response becomes the automatic response." Imagine, a godly response by default! Amazing!

That's an excellent wife, indeed.

God's Protective Authority

While we were out of town, I missed week one of Leslie's reading group over at Lux Venit, but I'm jumping right in for week two. We are reading The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It's not too late for you to pick up a copy and join us for this great discussion! Leslie's post on chapter two is here, and has a wonderful synopsis as well as her discerning thoughts. I will not duplicate her chapter summary, but I'll just post some of what hit me between the eyes (which is what this book does, repeatedly!)

This chapter reminds us of what we need to know about God: He is gracious, righteous, and compassionate. He has limitless strength and understanding. He is at work in our lives RIGHT NOW. He wants wives to be joyful and fulfilled. In short, God is good. All the time. All the time, God is good. I have to remind myself of that everyday! As Peace puts it, "God is good and He does all things well, including rule over His creatures." I always agree with statements like that when I read or hear them, but how often my doubt and fear betray that I don't truly believe it at times.

After laying the groundwork, explaining God's character and work and in the life of the Christian wife, Peace gets to the heart of the matter:

"The way for you to experience this fullment is for you to actively choose to place yourself under the authority of your husband. Thereby, you are really placing yourself under God's protective authority."

I struggled with this concept for many, many years. If I'm being honest, being "under my husband's authority" simply did not compute for me. When we got married, in fact, my husband was a much younger Christian than I was. And I was supposed to be under his authority? What if he got it wrong? What if he didn't read his Bible everyday? What if he neglected to pray about certain issues? Surely God wouldn't want me under the authority of someone not as "spiritual" as myself, right? As a result I took on the role of being my husband's Holy Spirit! (To this day, he'll ask me, "Are you tired?" when he senses that I'm trying to be the Holy Spirit for him, an exhausting undertaking for a human ;) That's because, for many years, I misunderstood what that "authority" truly meant, and where my husband's authority ended. I don't intend to fully explore that topic in this post, but this statement from Peace points to where my wrong thinking was: "No husband has absolute authority over his wife because God is the absolute authority. For example, if your husband asks you to lie for him, you must refuse because God's authority overrides your husband's. Therefore, when you are under your husband's (limited by God) authority, you are really putting yourself in the safest possible palce- in God's will. God loves you and He is good. You need not be afraid." She continues, "Even though God's authority is protective, this does not guarantee that your husband will always do the wisest or most godly thing. It does mean, however, that regardless of what he does, God is working in your life to "conform (you) to the image of His Son." (Romans 8:29) and God can be glorified."

My husband has never asked me to lie (as her example stated) but it gets to the heart of my basic fear... what if my husband didn't fully follow the Lord's leading in a certain area? Well, that's not my deal. That's his deal. And it's his deal because that's how God structured it. My deal is to fully minister to my husband, and to not react from a prideful heart that sees my ministry to my husband as demeaning or secondary to other callings in my life. God IS perfect, and I can completely trust that He knows what is best, even though my husband is not perfect. In spite of my husband's imperfections, God has chosen to put me under his authority. I come from generations of really strong women. In fact, I consider myself a strong woman. (Strong-willed is more like it!) Over the years as I've read verses on submission, I've reacted negatively. I still do, at times. As Peace puts it, "It is not uncommon for women today to be upset by these verses. If they are, they may not have been taught what these verses mean, or they may be reacting from a prideful heart that has been influenced by the world's way of thinking. These verses in no way mean that a woman is less valuable or less intelligent than a man.... There are simply some responsibilites and burdens that God does not intend for women to have. A truly wise woman will accept that, appreciate it, and submit graciously to God's plan of protection for her."

"You may never comprehend all the reasons why God doeas what HE does, but you can trust that HE knows better than you what you really need. Keep in mind that you will never be what God wants you to be until you place yourself under God's plan by coming under the authority of your husband."

Just how much of my life do I want to live outside of God's will and plan? I do not want to flop one toe outside of where His grace and protection is!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

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Helpful scriptures on this topic:
Genesis 2:18, Psalm 147:3-5, Romans 8:28-29, Proverbs 31: 13,18, 25,28,29, Ephesians 2:10, Hebrews 12:1-2, Romans 6:6-7, 1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:23, Colossians 2:9-10, 1 John 2:16, Ephesians 6:10-13, 1 Timothy 2:12-14