Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Morning Meditations

"May my meditation be pleasing to Him as I rejoice in the Lord." Psalm 104:34

Yesterday I awoke before dawn as I heard my husband stir to get ready for work. For some reason, I spent the next few moments remembering a horrible sin. An almost decade-old sin that has long since been confessed, repented of, and forgiven. But, yesterday morning, out of the blue (or "black" since it was still dark!) here it came. I lay there feeling so guilty, so regretful, and remorseful. Where did that come from? I don't know, but I can tell you where it went. Straight to the Father. Right there I prayed, thanking Him for His grace and mercy, and for the ready forgiveness He had offered for that sin all those years ago. I asked Him why that random thought had popped into my head, and asked Him to please take it (along with the familiar "pang" in my stomach) away, if it was not of Him. No matter where it was from, I asked Him to accomplish the purpose for which He had allowed it. Oh, how I want my heart changed! If He uses my past poor choices as warnings for me, I welcome those warnings! There are some places I never want to go again!

As I prayed silently, under that momentary burden of guilt, I remembered something my pastor had said in last weekend's church service. He was speaking of Christ's accomplishing work on the cross, and the unbearable physical pain our Savior had endured. Then he said, "But, that was nothing compared to what He went through mentally. As He hung there, He felt like a murderer. A thief. A child abuser." I thought of the pangs of guilt I was feeling and realized anew the tiniest, most miniscule fraction of what Christ felt- except that the guilt I felt was from something I had actually done! He felt guilt, shame, and remorse for things He had never even entertained the idea of doing. He endured the shame of the pain and isolation of the Father turning His face from Him, because a Holy God could not look upon such sin. He did that so that I could lay there in the early morning hours and know mercy, forgiveness, and cleansing.

I went through my day yesterday, knowing that God sees me as righteous, despite the horrible sin in my life, because for that moment so long ago, Jesus willingly took on that sin, plus all the ones I've ever committed before, plus all I'll ever commit, and all of every believer's past, present, and future sins throughout all of history and into the future.

And I was just feeling the weight of that one.

Oh, thank you Jesus.

"Sing O Sing, of my Redeemer
With His blood, He purchased me,
On the cross He sealed my pardon,
Paid the debt and made me free."


Mindy said...

You are awesome!
I love that you immediately prayed about it. I try to do that but sometimes don't manage it-- or I blame satan for bringing it into my mind to conjure up guilt.

Thanks! I appreciate this post.

Susanne said...

Wow, Cindy, you know I have never thought of the mental anguish Jesus suffered. Yes, the part of being separated from God, but I never thought He might have felt all the feelings that acccompany all of the sins.

I love how you immediately went to God with it rather than wallowing in it for awhile. What a grace-filled God we have.

Chris @ Come to the Table said...

What an awesome reminder today of what God has done for us. I don't know if I fully grasped what He suffered for me.
Thanks for sharing this.

Deidre said...

Wow! Thanks for the reminder of how God sees me, Cyndi. And, thanks for the lesson to take a feeling of guilt straight to the Father. I need to practice that more often.

Linda said...

I have thought of that too Cyndi. As horrific as that curcifixion and all the preceeded it were, it was not the worst of the suffering that day. When we left the movie theater after watching The Passion, my husband and I sat in the car and just wept. To think that part of that mine was my sin -and I have known Him since a was a little girl.
I am so thankful for forgiveness and for grace to forgive myself when I fall so far short - or remember the things in the past. His love is simply amazing.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful. Thank you for writing this!

Joni said...

What an excellent contemplation on the mental sufferings of Christ! Something more to ponder about our wonderful Savior.

I'm enjoying your sidebar links, btw....Can't get Beth Moore on Life Today here, but the videos are available online. Thanks for these!