"May my meditation be pleasing to Him as I rejoice in the Lord." Psalm 104:34
Yesterday I awoke before dawn as I heard my husband stir to get ready for work. For some reason, I spent the next few moments remembering a horrible sin. An almost decade-old sin that has long since been confessed, repented of, and forgiven. But, yesterday morning, out of the blue (or "black" since it was still dark!) here it came. I lay there feeling so guilty, so regretful, and remorseful. Where did that come from? I don't know, but I can tell you where it went. Straight to the Father. Right there I prayed, thanking Him for His grace and mercy, and for the ready forgiveness He had offered for that sin all those years ago. I asked Him why that random thought had popped into my head, and asked Him to please take it (along with the familiar "pang" in my stomach) away, if it was not of Him. No matter where it was from, I asked Him to accomplish the purpose for which He had allowed it. Oh, how I want my heart changed! If He uses my past poor choices as warnings for me, I welcome those warnings! There are some places I never want to go again!
As I prayed silently, under that momentary burden of guilt, I remembered something my pastor had said in last weekend's church service. He was speaking of Christ's accomplishing work on the cross, and the unbearable physical pain our Savior had endured. Then he said, "But, that was nothing compared to what He went through mentally. As He hung there, He felt like a murderer. A thief. A child abuser." I thought of the pangs of guilt I was feeling and realized anew the tiniest, most miniscule fraction of what Christ felt- except that the guilt I felt was from something I had actually done! He felt guilt, shame, and remorse for things He had never even entertained the idea of doing. He endured the shame of the pain and isolation of the Father turning His face from Him, because a Holy God could not look upon such sin. He did that so that I could lay there in the early morning hours and know mercy, forgiveness, and cleansing.
I went through my day yesterday, knowing that God sees me as righteous, despite the horrible sin in my life, because for that moment so long ago, Jesus willingly took on that sin, plus all the ones I've ever committed before, plus all I'll ever commit, and all of every believer's past, present, and future sins throughout all of history and into the future.
And I was just feeling the weight of that one.
Oh, thank you Jesus.
"Sing O Sing, of my Redeemer
With His blood, He purchased me,
On the cross He sealed my pardon,
Paid the debt and made me free."